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Me2009, Main
Toward the end of Yom Kippur Services, the Rabbi asked, "How many of you
have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Rabbi said "Try again" and then repeated his question. All responded this time,
except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Kohn? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? "
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Kohn, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Kohn," said the Rabbi, "would you please come down in front and
tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy
in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."
Me2009, Main
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to
use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day
the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

How the story continues... )
28th-Oct-2006 12:12 am(no subject)
Me2009, Main
В американской культуре популярны шутки, в которых обыгрывается произношение разных слов, либо неправильная фонетическая запись, которая завставляет предполагать другой смысл. Вообще, на этом построено большинство их шуток, которые мне периодически приходят от моих друзей в Америке. Если есть желание, я могу ряд из них опубликовать, многие из них уже стали абсолютной классикой в англоговорящих странах. Вот, например, такая:

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
28th-Oct-2006 12:04 am(no subject)
Me2009, Main
Еще одно (стихотворное) подтверждение, что компьютер не поможет, если в голове пусто.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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